Parenting is hard. Let’s just make that perfectly clear. It’s hard whether you’re parenting a Neurotypical child or a Neurodivergent one. The lines can also become blurred between what’s considered ‘normal’ child behaviour (pushing boundaries, not following instructions etc) and what is usually specific to Neurodivergent children. At times, it can be extremely difficult to spot when your child is dysregulated- especially if they’re yet to be given an official diagnosis.
This being said, there are warning signs when a Neurodivergent child isn’t coping with their environment very well. As with everything Neurodivergent, however, there is a huge spectrum and it’s important to remember that every child is different, and whilst some of these may apply to some children, it most certainly won’t apply to all.
I do not claim to be an expert; I can only share with you my experiences raising three Neurodivergent girls(four if I include myself!). The following signs are things I have picked up on during my thirteen years as a parent.
Attitude
One of the first signs for my girls is the onset of the Kevin The Teenager-esque attitude. My usually funny, respectful and loving children are replaced by snarling venomous creatures, that will either only grunt at me or will snap at me like a 50ft crocodile.
I make this far more light-hearted than it actually is; the reality of it is somewhat unpleasant- particularly when it comes out of nowhere as far as you’re concerned. When this happens, I firstly remind them who they’re speaking to, and re-iterate the boundaries of acceptable ways of speaking to me as their mom. I then ask them if there’s anything on their mind that they need to talk about. Sometimes they’ll open up there and then, and sometimes I get no response until later in the day. I will then get an apology and we’ll reset.
I do feel it’s important to remember that despite them being in distress, they still need those boundary reminders from the person they trust the most with their feelings. You have to be their constant in a world that is ever changing around them. My approach might be too strict for some, but I believe on building relationships based around mutual trust and respect; and reminding your child of what’s acceptable to you and what isn’t is an important part of that.
Refusal
This one seems to be such a contentious topic at the moment. Every day I read in the news that children are refusing to attend school and we are on the brink of an apocalypse! Ok, that may have been a slight exaggeration. The basic principle of it is the same though. The media is trying to make us believe that our children are choosing not to attend school and that parents are too lazy to make them.
I cannot even begin to tell you how far from the truth that is. Refusal in children often comes when their flight or fight response kicks in and their protective mechanisms take control. The lovely Heidi Mavir , author of Your Child is Not Broken explains far better than I can that it is not school refusal, rather it’s an inability to attend. Children often want to go to school, but an unmet need or an unresolved situation makes it almost a physical impossibility. As for the parents? We’re usually at our wits end not knowing how to help our children through whatever it is that’s the barrier for them, and terrified simultaneously that we’re going to be prosecuted for them not being in the school building.
Refusal doesn’t just happen with school, however. Refusal can happen with anything when a child is dysregulated. Eating, drinking, bedtimes, personal care, leaving the house. Refusal goes far beyond them simply not doing as you’ve asked. It’s important to recognise the differences in your child- especially when they hit adolescence.
Contrary to popular belief, children do not turn into alien beings the moment they turn thirteen. Try to recognise their new normal and to learn the nuances of their behaviour. For younger children, be mindful of changes in their behaviour that has no obvious cause. If your child suddenly begins being ‘difficult’ when they aren’t usually, there’s going to be a reason.
Violence
This one is a relatively new one to me. My older two girls aren’t volatile personalities. My youngest, however, absolutely is. She can go from completely content and placid, to destroying whatever she can get her hands on in the blink of an eye. It can take the smallest thing to throw her out of sync and into meltdown fight mode.
Your child experiences some pretty huge feelings sometimes and they don’t always have the tools in their toolbox to deal with them.
When your child is dysregulated, they’re not being ‘spoilt’, ‘dramatic’, ‘difficult’ or ‘ungrateful’. They’re in need. Sometimes neither you nor they know what it is they need at that specific moment, and that’s ok. All they actually need is to feel safe and to know that you still love them at the end of it. I learnt that when my girls would get disproportionately upset when they got told off- especially by me. It was only when they explained to me that they thought I didn’t love them anymore because I’d raised my voice that I understood how it was for them. That was like a knife to my heart. I have to be explicit with them each and every time that I will always love them, but I don’t like XYZ behaviour.
Withdrawal
At the opposite end of the violence scale is withdrawal. This can either be an instant and complete event or it can be a slow gradual withdrawal. This usually happens with my eldest daughter when she gets home from the school day.
When she comes through the door, I take the time to acknowledge her by asking her if she’s had a good day, and I can usually judge by her expression whether it’s positive or negative. I allow her some time alone to process her day and what she’s feeling. I allow her space and I respect that she needs that time to decompress.
Nine times out of ten, she’ll come to me and tell me something random about her day, which opens the door for gentle probing about any issues she might have. The one time she doesn’t, I’ll seek her out and ask if there’s anything she needs to talk about or anything on her mind. I re-iterate the importance of remaining as open as possible with each other and that she really can talk to me about anything.
Other signs of withdrawal are becoming quieter and less interactive with family and friends, and spending more time alone. Whilst this can be a common teenage trait, it’s important to keep an eye on to ensure your child isn’t going through something alone. Younger children tend to prefer being around people they love, so if that changes, notice it and address it.
Emotional
As I mentioned earlier, your child experiences big feelings that they don’t always know how to handle. This can manifest itself in them becoming disproportionately emotional to situations. I know this to be true because I have experienced it myself throughout my childhood and adult life. Something would happen and despite a feeling of anger or worry, I would cry. This would then often get misinterpreted and that would make it worse.
My middle daughter is just like this. Frustration is her biggest enemy at the moment. She gets so frustrated with herself if she can’t do something first time that she just cries. Tears will stream down her face and I ask her why she’s crying. ‘I don’t know!’ is the usual response. I then take some time with her to calm down and then I try to find a solution to the problem she’s having. It doesn’t always work, but it’s a fairly effective method for me.
Obviously this isn’t an exhaustive list of signs, and it will be different for many children. I’m also aware that I am only discussing girls here- this is because I have the most comprehensive experience with them. Boys may present very differently.
If your child’s behaviour has become alien to you and you are struggling to reach them, please try to remember that they’re likely not doing it as a personal attack. They’re likelier to be struggling with something. Keep those lines of communication open and try to nurture your relationship with them built upon open discussions and helping each other. It’s a two-way thing.
I also know that when you feel like you’re at rock bottom with your child, this can be much easier said than done. Keep trying. Keep being their constant. They. Need. You.
Laura x
