As a parent, it is often extremely difficult to make time for yourself. Even when you have an excellent support network around you, it can still seem like an impossible feat when every waking moment is devoted to your family. Factor in being a parent to a Neurodivergent child/children, being a Neurodivergent parent, or more challenging still, being both; and you’re almost guaranteed to find finding time for yourself almost impossible.
As a society, we have traditionally grown up believing focussing on ourselves is selfish and conceited; at least this was my family’s belief. We were taught to almost martyr ourselves in a drive to achieve the perfect ‘2.4 children’ family. The problem with this? Where do I even begin?!
Thankfully, the narrative has begun to shift in a more positive direction as far as self-care goes. It is now far more socially acceptable to look after yourself as much as you look after your children and home. Perhaps it was always this way, and the message got lost in a sea of hidden depressions and social awkwardness- who knows?
Looking through an analytical lens for a moment, it is easy to see how I ended up divorced in a way. I was so focussed on working towards a career, building a home and starting a family, that I hadn’t realised how much I had forgotten to nurture myself. I stopped wearing makeup, I didn’t believe getting my hair done was a worthwhile expense, I never got my nails done and bought almost everything I owned second-hand. The analysis could continue, but this would very quickly become a novel…
Whilst there is nothing at all wrong with buying second-hand (I’m a sucker for a vintage bargain!), sometimes it’s nice to buy something for yourself that’s shiny and new. The other stuff may sound extremely superficial; however, they do significantly contribute to how you feel on the inside (to me at least).
I’m contemplating all of this whilst sat in my local Starbucks ON MY OWN whilst my middle daughter is at her Acrobatic Arts lesson. I cannot begin to tell you how much having this two hours on a Friday (plus now an additional hour on a Thursday because she’s added a class!) helps my mental health. It isn’t until you actually get away from the day-to-day monotony of being the head of the family with all of the responsibility, that you begin to realise just how much you’ve forgotten how to be a person too.
I’ve very much come to cherish the solitude I have for that short period of time, where I’m free to simply exist without anyone making demands of me. In fact, the only thing I actually HAVE to worry about in that time period is what drink I would like to sit and nurture. Of course, I could worry about how my youngest is getting on without me, or whether my eldest is in meltdown because of my youngest’s behaviour, but no. I will not allow those intrusive thoughts to ruin my solitude.
So, rather than sit and stare blankly into oblivion, I’ve been thinking about how I can be as productive as possible. There isn’t enough time realistically to go to the gym , shopping or anything like that (it was a consideration), so I’ve decided to dedicate the time to allowing my creative juices to flow as freely as they can. Whether it be writing, designing things to make or something else I’ve not thought of yet, I’ll be sat here in this lovely, quiet Starbucks claiming back a piece of me I thought had died.
This current contemplation has had me thinking about ways that we can all incorporate self-care into our lives. It does not need to be anything fancy, but it does need to be consistent and something you enjoy or brings you peace.
For me, having some time and space to allow the often overbearing and endless thoughts trickle out of my head and onto paper (albeit virtual), is a way of me doing some ‘mental housework’. It allows me to de-clutter a little and to regain some perspective away from the home and away from my family.
I adore my family. As much of a cliché as it is, they are my universe. HOWEVER, in order for me to be everything I can be for them, I have learnt that a short time away is vital. I cannot do my job if I’m constantly running on empty.
As I take my last sips on this devilishly good Frappuccino, here’s a toast to new-found serenity, creative outlets and calm. Let’s see how long it lasts eh! Remember: Self-care isn’t selfish!
Laura x
