As I sit here, aching to write something- anything, I find myself staring at my hands hovering above my keyboard, poised to begin and yet unable to write. It has been over 4 months since my last blog post, and I’m acutely aware that nothing is successful without work; and still, I have been unable to sit at my laptop and write something. Why? Who knows!
I guess I have been working hard in my personal life to come to terms with some things about myself that up to now, I haven’t been able to. Acceptance isn’t something that comes naturally to me. When I come across obstacles, it’s my nature to try to find a way to better the situation; and I get very frustrated when I can’t.
Learning to live with Fibromyalgia hasn’t been easy. Wanting to do the things my brain is telling me I can and used to be able to do, and then failing at them when I try, isn’t easy. Even simple things such as walking have become an intense exercise for me. I can no longer hike up hills, or spend all day on my feet shopping before going out for a dance later that same night. I’m unable to play with my children the way that I want to, and I often feel lazy and useless.
Letting go and learning to accept that my body has changed has been extremely difficult, and I’m not 100% there yet. I am no longer the average size 12 that I was until I hit 30, my bones, joints and very soul are in pain daily. And whilst there are people out there that are able to flood me with inspirational quotes and uplifting words of wisdom, sometimes, it’s just not enough. That’s not to say that I’m not grateful for their help and kindness, I am always grateful for that; I simply mean that learning to accept that my body is failing me at the age of 37, can’t always happen with a simple inspirational quote or well-meant meme.
In addition to being let down by my body, I am also trying to come to terms with learning I am neurodivergent. Whilst so many things now make sense and I am able to navigate my needs a little better, I am still also trying to grieve I suppose. Grieving for all the miscommunications, all the self-deprecation my entire life, simply because I didn’t understand a neurotypical way of doing something. Grieving for a life I could have had if I had only known about my neurodivergence.
This is where acceptance comes in. Learning to accept that there are things that I can’t change no matter how much I might want to. That I cannot control everything in my life- often life likes to throw curve balls, and they usually hit me square in the face!
Once I learn to accept who I am as a person, I can begin to love that person- possibly for the first time in my life. If I can accept that my life will never be the same as it was, but that actually, it has the potential to be better, I know I can find that inner happiness that I am so severely lacking.
As always, thank you for sticking with me!
Laura x
