For those that aren’t familiar with my family dynamic, I am late to the gathering of Autistic and ADHD folk (oh, the irony!). I also have three beautifully Neurodivergent children; one officially diagnosed as Autistic, one awaiting assessment for ADHD, and one on the pathway for an Autism diagnosis. Throughout my life, I had to encounter and endure sometimes stifling and hurtful ableism from professionals and family members alike; although at the time I wasn’t aware it was ableism, each dismissal, disapproving look, and comment hurt. I realised that for years, I had been gaslit to the point where I had virtually no self-esteem and didn’t believe that Autism and ADHD actually existed (unless you fitted the stereotypical definitions and displayed them continually, of course).
To find out over the age of 30 that you’re Neurodivergent, and that your children are too, was a huge shock. The more I learnt about Autism and ADHD, the more I learnt about myself and finally felt like I belonged. This was immediately tainted, however, by the overwhelming feeling of betrayal and hurt for all the years I had been made to feel like I was a failure and that there was simply something wrong with me. At that moment, I realised I had to become even more of an advocate for my children and begin undoing the harmful rhetoric I had been raised on, all whilst coming to terms with everything and mourning the life I could have had, had I known I was Neurodivergent.
My youngest daughter has recently been assigned an Early Years Inclusion Teacher to help her work on her social skills in order to prepare her for school. She has been given an SEN Support Plan, which is similar to an EHCP. Within this plan are targets that will almost certainly ensure my daughter goes into and remains in meltdown mode.
For context, my daughter can appear extremely confident and social on the surface, and she is very verbal and intelligent. This is juxtaposed with the fact that thus far, she has only been able to be left with other people (without me being there) twice since she has been born, and is extremely weary and fearful of children the same age and younger than her. Whilst my daughter will be overly familiar with some adults, including strangers, and older children; she also becomes extremely distressed if a child her age or younger wants to interact with her. In addition, absolutely EVERYTHING has to be on her terms, and she can be quite violent both towards herself and others.
Two of my daughters’ targets are based around immersing her in social situations involving her peers and younger children, and to do so eventually without me being there. Obviously, I appreciate why these are her targets- they’re the Neurotypical perspectives designed to desensitise her in preparation for when she starts school, because ‘obviously everyone has to go to school’ (their words, not mine). My daughter’s teacher is Neurotypical, and despite having spent the last decade working in a ‘special school’ (again, their words, not mine), still appears to lack the understanding needed to deal with Neurodivergence, and holds on to some attitudes rooted in ableism.
I was both disappointed and a little irked that in order for my daughter to continue to access the help she needs, and will continue to need, she has to be put into environments that will cause her to suffer. In the almost 39 years I’ve been on this planet, I have been ‘desensitised’ to spiders numerous times, yet I’m still terrified of them.
Wouldn’t it be lovely to see more Neurodivergent people in roles designed to help Neurodivergent children? To see them working alongside Neurotypical professionals finding ways to blend working environments, both scholarly and societal, so that Neurodivergent people can access the world in a way that both fulfils their potential and keeps them emotionally and mentally regulated, in addition to eradicating ableism. Small steps are being taken with neuro-inclusive organisations, but until a complete overhaul of the outdated systems and attitudes in education and the workplace is done, I fear there won’t be much that changes.
Laura x
