Whether you’re new to the Neurodivergent world or an experienced pro, sometimes dealing with someone who is in meltdown is a challenge. This can be especially true if you are Neurodivergent yourself, as symptoms, understanding and processing methods are all so vastly different (which is why we use the word spectrum when discussing Neurodivergence).
The tips I’m going to share with you here are by no means a professional approach; rather they are simply my own experiences in being Neurodivergent myself (AuDHD) and raising one diagnosed and two suspected Neurodivergent children (My children are Autistic, suspected ADHD and suspected Autistic).
Tip 1- Don’t Get Angry
This may seem obvious and, at times, impossible, but try not to react to the meltdowns. Your child isn’t regulated or stable when they’re in meltdown mode. Every sense in their body is heightened and they are often terrified on top of everything else they’re experiencing at the time. If you react negatively or perceive the behaviour as ‘naughty’, the likelihood is that the situation will further escalate.
Each child is different and will respond differently to stimuli. My children, for example, cannot take interaction during a meltdown. I cannot talk to them or reason with them. I cannot make eye contact with them without escalating the situation further. I have therefore learnt to get down to their level and to wait whilst looking elsewhere and not in their direction. I simply wait for them to be regulated enough to become aware of their surroundings again and then I will simply offer a cuddle either verbally or by signalling with my hands. If they aren’t ready, I wait until they are and then I can begin the recovery phase.
Tip 2- Give Them Space
In the midst of a meltdown, ensure your child has the space they need to get through it safely. Your child will need the physical as well as mental space to calm themselves down safely. Giving them both kinds of space will allow them to calm themselves down quicker and eventually more effectively. There is nothing worse than losing control in front of a crowd of people all trying to ‘help’ at once. It’s also horrendous when you’re in full fight or flight mode and you’ve got someone (despite meaning well) patronisingly telling you to “calm down”.
Tip 3- Let It Go
In the words of Elsa, “Let It Go”! Once the meltdown has ended, don’t bring it up again once it’s been discussed. It’s likely your child either won’t remember what happened, or will feel awful if they do. The last thing they need is to be guilt tripped about it, or reminded that they lost control.
Tip 4- Avoid Known Triggers
This again might sound like an obvious one, but I’m consistently surprised at the amount of parents and professionals alike that continue to expect an alternative outcome when exposing a child to a known trigger. For example, if you’re afraid of spiders, would you expect to be less afraid of them the more you were exposed to them, or would you then begin to actively avoid all known situations where spiders were likely to be found?
Why then, would you expect a child that has a known trigger to respond differently to that trigger just because they’re exposed to it more often?
If the known trigger cannot be avoided, I have found that preparing the child as much in advance as possible helps a little. Distraction techniques and aids such as ear defenders can also be helpful in reducing the reaction to the stimuli.
Tip 5- Don’t Take It Personally
Here’s where I would like you to listen carefully. It-is-not-your-fault! Your child isn’t ‘naughty’ and isn’t having meltdowns to punish you or ‘get one over on you’. This isn’t a power struggle between you and them, it’s a power struggle within themselves, and they’re looking to you as a safe space.
Provide them with the reassurance that they’re safe and that you’re there for them when they’re ready. This can be verbally or non verbally communicated.
Seek Support
If you find yourself struggling with your child’s behaviour, or you want to understand more about it if you’re not Neurodivergent yourself, seek support. There are social media groups (although watch out for the ‘experts’ and ‘trolls’), and charities such as the Navigate service by Scope who offer advice for parents of disabled children. You never need to feel alone or that you’re the only one struggling with meltdowns. It’s healthy and helpful to share experiences as well as tips and tricks you pick up along the way.
Laura x
