When it comes to autism, people have traditionally been conditioned to believe in the stereotypes portrayed through the media. With films like ‘Rain Man‘ and TV shows like ‘The Good Doctor‘, autism is often shown in a very specific way- and it usually only portrays men and boys as having it.
We’ve been led to believe that autism consists of extremely poor communicators, who have obsessive fixations, often never make eye contact or speak, and who cannot have any deviation from their routine. Whilst this is certainly true for some autistic people, it most definitely isn’t true for all.
The autistic spectrum is an extremely vast one. Humans are all beautifully unique; we might share similar interests, yet no two of us are exactly the same. This is also true of autistic people. We might share similar symptoms, yet our experiences of autism are unique.
How we communicate isn’t always straight forward
*Awaits wise-crack jokes from people saying ‘well isn’t this typical of women anyway?’*
Many autistic women do avoid eye contact because it helps us to process what the person we’re speaking to is saying. That being said, autistic women are also known to make eye contact without issue; and some are known to give what’s considered too much eye contact.
Eye contact has always been a tricky one for me. I was raised that it is polite to look at someone when they’re speaking to you; yet I always found it so hard to hear what they were saying to me. I would often end up daydreaming whilst staring directly at the person I was speaking to, and then be reprimanded for not listening.
I learnt over the years to make eye contact, but then I experienced that I was focussing on making eye contact so much, that I was once again not listening to what was being said. I felt I was in a no-win situation!
My solution was to distract myself differently, so that I was able to make appropriate eye contact with people, whilst ALSO listening. I have since learned that this is both an example of masking and stimming.
What is masking?
Masking, which is also called masking or compensating, is a social survival strategy. How it looks will vary from person to person, but masking can include behaviors like these:
* forcing or faking eye contact during conversations
* imitating smiles and other facial expressions
* mimicking gestures
* hiding or minimizing personal interests
* developing a repertoire of rehearsed responses to questions
* scripting conversations
* pushing through intense sensory discomfort including loud noises
* disguising stimming behaviours (hiding a jiggling foot or trading a preferred movement for one that’s less obvious)
People may mask autism for a variety of reasons, such as:
* feeling safe and avoiding stigma
* avoiding mistreatment or bullying
* succeeding at work
* attracting a romantic partner
* making friends and other social connections
* fitting in or feeling a sense of belonging
Healthline
Masking is exhausting! It’s not something I was even consciously aware I was doing for all these years, but now I know about it; OMG! The endless times I’ve sat and studied people and how they behave, how to sit properly, how to smile at the appropriate times…the list goes on.
I remember I would get home from school and be so exhausted. The moment the bell rang for home-time, I would already be worried about possible scenarios for the next school day.
As an adult, I’ve found it harder and harder to mask. The exhaustion is too much. Perhaps I need to just try and be my authentic self and see what happens!
What is stimming?
Stimming is short for self-regulatory stimulation. It’s a repetitive behaviour that helps autistic people to process the world around them, and to regulate the emotions they experience.
Some forms of stimming have different names, for example:
Echolalia – this is repetition of another person’s spoken words or repeating of the same word over and over. It can help someone to process the information they have been given.
Other types of repetitive behaviours are often linked to the senses, for example:
Visual – staring at lights; doing things to make the vision flicker such as repetitive blinking or shaking fingers in front of the eyes; staring at spinning objects.
Auditory – listening to the same song or noise on repeat or making vocal sounds, tapping ears and snapping fingers.
Tactile – rubbing the skin with hands or with another object or scratching.
Taste/smell – sniffing objects or people; licking or chewing on things, often things that aren’t edible.
Proprioception – this means the body’s ability to feel where it is and what it’s doing. This could present in behaviour such as rocking, swinging, jumping, pacing, running, tiptoeing or spinning – all of which give the body’s sense of balance and position a boost. Some autistic children enjoy the sensation of pressure.
Ambitious About Autism
I had no idea that I stimmed. And yet, I stim a LOT! My stims vary quite a lot, but some include:
- constantly moving my feet (as an adult this has been reduced to wiggling my feet because I was always told off for never sitting still as a child).
- Fiddling with my nails/biting my nails
- Echolalia
- Auditory- humming in particular (especially in public places), and playing with my earrings to make the back click
- Smell- If I encounter a smell I like, I have to smell it as deeply as I can. This one is hard to suppress, especially when it’s someone that smells good!
- Proprioception- Particularly when I’m on the phone. I find it extremely difficult to stand still when I’m on the phone. Pacing a specific route helps me to process the voice I’m hearing.
Misinterpretation happens a lot!
Some autistic women can communicate effectively and will appear completely neurotypical (or NT for short). Others will have subtle struggles, and some have severe communication issues.
Personally, I tend to take everything literally. If someone says something to me in jest, I will 9 times out of 10 wonder whether they’re being serious or not. I cannot count the number of times I’ve taken offence from something not meant maliciously at all. I will also expect someone to do what they say they’re going to do. If you tell me you’re going to do something, and then don’t do it (without an explanation), I cannot help but get upset about it.
Phone conversations are a huge struggle for me, and I will actively avoid them if I can. When I’m on the phone, I have to plan my conversations as far as possible, so I’m able to actually say what I need to. If I’m caught off-guard, I will often get what I need to say mixed up, or I’ll stutter and not be able to say anything.
My worst struggle with phone calls comes in the form of call centres. If the person on the other end of the phone has an accent, I will also really struggle to process what they’re saying to me. I will often have to ask them to repeat what they’re saying, or to slow down. This is always made much worse by the background noise of the other call centre workers! Trying to differentiate the background noise from what I should be listening to is really hard.
What NT people need to try to remember, is that our understanding of communication is a lot different to theirs. We don’t mean to misinterpret them, and we certainly don’t mean to be as matter-of-fact about things as we can be (thanks to not always being able to apply the many unwritten social etiquettes out there!).
We are living in a society that’s not designed for neurodivergence
As autistic people, we have learnt growing up that so much of what makes us ‘us’ isn’t acceptable to mainstream society. We have to hide so much of who we are for fear of standing out too much, or for ’embarrassing’ ourselves in public- and oftentimes even at home.
This is EXHAUSTING!
Many autistic people also suffer from additional health problems, particularly anxiety and depression. This is often a result of burnout from continually trying to fit into a world designed for neurotypical people.
Possibly the most frustrating thing for autistic women is the often disbelief that we have it. Just because we don’t display the stereotypical symptoms that men do, doesn’t mean we don’t have it. 1 in 4 people diagnosed with autism are female; and they’ll be ‘regular looking’ people, just like you and me. Be kind, be open-minded, and don’t dismiss us.
Laura x
